how to be happy in a relationship as a man

you've heard this a million times, and if you haven't then you should've.

the only way to achieve this is by being the best. women are wired to want to be with the best, but they'll happily settle for top 10%, and some would be happy with as low as top 30%, but if you're not in that bracket, it's very likely your woman is not satisfied with you, and that is the reason you can't get her to be/act the way you want her to. if you're girlfriend was with her celebrity crush, you can guarantee all of that "you're being controlling," "gaslighting," and "toxic masculinity" BullShit would go right out the window. she will do whatever that motherfucker asks without pushback and you can bet on that.

the reason for this is that she would be scared to lose him. she knows that if she gives him problems, he'll just move on to the next girl that won't. i could write an entire book going into why this is, and maybe one day i will, but as for now i'll try to put everything as simply as i can. the only way you could have a happy relationship, is if your spouse is scared to lose you. you have to be something that she cannot replace very easily. that being said, relationship mastery is ALL self improvement. Kevin Samuels said it best, "Give your woman the gift of believing you are capable of cheating on her."

women equate thoughts and memories with love. women need to have all different emotions stimulated by you or she will become bored. this is why you will often hear woman talk about leaving an otherwise "perfectly fine" man, claiming that he was boring. you could bring a woman all the security in the world, but if you are boring or have nothing exciting or at least interesting about you, she will leave. ABBA got it completely correct when they wrote Girls Just Wana Have Fun, because that's all it is. they need to be fully stimulated by you, they need to be thinking about you all of the time. the relationship must be fun for them, that is not a plus to them, that's what the relationship is to them. especially more modern women. they are not dating for necessity or with children in mind anymore. they must be having so much fun that all of a sudden they find themselves thinking "having children would be quite nice," and they didn't even see it coming. 

if you are not the best version of yourself, the odds of your woman having the upmost respect for you are very low, and this is a good thing for both of you. for one reason, that adds yet another layer of motivation as to why you should become the best version of yourself. the other reason being, a woman should only be satisfied with the best of the best. this creates a wonderful cycle if recognized properly, that keeps men strong, and women safe. this process here is what Darwin was referring to, natural selection is not only a process of the weak and stupid dying off, it also includes those who live full lives but never mate. so think about that next time you don't want to go to work, or go to the gym, or make those calls you know you have to make.

if you become the man God calls you to be, you will inevitably become the man your woman needs you to be. it is indeed that simple. you have to stop lying to yourself by saying that your spouse is content with the way that you are. they are just claiming that to be nice to you, because to a certain degree, they do care about you a great deal, but you have to understand, if they are offered a better situation elsewhere, that is  exactly where they will go. make sure that the likelihood of her upgrading is slim to none. women cannot downgrade in lifestyle, if she leaves you, and you truly were the best, she will actually regret it forever, but if she does find something better with someone else, she will forget you just as soon as she met you.

to cap this whole rant off, ill put it simple; become the best you. you don't have to worry about a single other thing. literally everything else will work itself out, everything. take it from me. i'm speaking from experience. i've been through all the bad, now i'm going through all the good.

a weird dream

i don't remember my dreams very often, but when i do, it's pretty rare that anything interesting or significant happens in them. however about a week ago i had a dream during a nap that i've been thinking about every so often because of how terrifying it was.

i remember i was in an unfamiliar home, it was pretty large with white walls, and wooden floors, doors, stairs and railings. there was lots of wooden furniture and brown leather couches. there were absolutely no signs of humans living in it. there were no pictures on the walls or objects on tables. i don't remember who i was there with, but it felt like my house in the dream. my memory of the dream cuts in and i'm approaching the staircase to go to the second floor. i remember that i was going upstairs to look for someone. when i get to the top of the steps, i reach a sizable upstairs foyer, there are multiple ajar doors around me on the surrounding walls, all of the lights in the rooms behind the ajar doors were off. one of the doors is wide open, and it catches my focus. it's the door furthest from me, on the left side of the room. i can see the door's wide open but i can't see into the room at all so i approach it. i look inside the room and i can kind of make out in the darkness, a person on a bed. the persons torso and legs are under the blanket, and as my eyes adjust to the darkness, i can begin to see the face of the person in the bed. the eyes are completely black, and he or she was smiling at me. as my eyes adjust more and more, it seemed that the face's smile was getting deeper and somehow more awful. it didn't move. i could see from the corner of my eye that the lights downstairs turn off, and i'm now standing in the only illuminated room in the house with this thing staring at me. 

i immediately wake up after noticing the lights on the staircase shutting off. 

nov 21, 2023

business has been going rather smoothly lately, i haven't been making a ton of money this last month but i haven't lost any either, which in the construction business is truly a win. God is good. i've been feeling rather content with my life recently, i have been breathing pretty easily, i feel very optimistic about the future. i'm currently in no debt, but i'm thinking about changing that to open a second business. i want to take out a $100,000 loan once my credit goes up a few more points. i would open an beautiful, perfect, recording studio for all types of recording artists to rent out. i would hire engineers from the audio school i attended and graduated from.

i'm going to start writing a book as well, it's going to be about sin. i wrote the first page already, im obviously going to write much differently than i write on here. i want to write a short book. people's attention spans are short nowadays anyway. i know mine is.

i feel like most books are filled with way too many words. just fluff to make it look like you didn't slack while writing it, and to be honest, that type of stuff does not impress me, nor do i enjoy spending any of my time reading said fluff. so i will give the respect to you, the reader, and keep it short and to the point. i wish most authors would think this way. i will give details when necessary, yes, but i will not be repeating the same thing but with different words, that's what gets me to put a book down the fastest.

anyway, i am slacking right now. i need to finish the website for my construction company, and also set up the instagram for it. i have no internet presence, im working with absolute freaks most of the time. who the fuck goes on yelp? why am i giving yelp $600 a month am i retarded? im going to go fix that right now. God bless you guys.

on anxiety

is anxiety necessary to become great?

i personally don't see a way a person can become great without anxiety. it's very rare that someone makes drastic changes without feeling some kind of discomfort. if you're fat and happy, there are not many arguments to be made as to why you should go out and fight the world head on. 

i unfortunately know anxiety's paralyzing nature very well, but if you can get passed the inaction, anxiety can be one of your best assets. while you're progressing through the world, accidents will happen, really awful people will try to take you down, and you will make mistakes, but a healthy dose of anxiety will certainly reduce the likelihood of something like this happening. 

you certainly have to keep your eyes wide open. you have no idea what God has in store for you, nature does what it does. apart from that, people are snakes, and they will treat you in ways that will shock you. when you deal with people and there comes a time that trust is necessary, always hedge your bets, cover your ass, but with a smile. you cannot make it seem like you do not trust the other person, but in things like business transactions especially, you absolutely CANNOT trust anyone. any business that runs on trust won't last very long.

i truly understand that this is much easier said than done, but you have to use anxiety to your advantage. being laid back is good for being liked, but not for getting what you want, or doing what you need to do.

off and back on

it was sometime during the summer, the year 2020. it wasn't too late at night, maybe around 10pm. i found myself in a surprisingly decent motel room in manhasset, new york, behind a chinese restaurant. i was there with my partner, trying to get powder and pills we had sold. when we got there, i quickly realized i despised everyone in the room with us. they were just the most degenerate, awful, scummy people you could ever meet. there were six of them, and i know as of today, two of the six are dead, but i wouldn't be surprised if the rest of them followed suit. 

two of the people there were brothers, puerto ricans, ages twenty-two and seventeen. the older one is one of the two that are no longer alive. when we first got in the room, i let my backpack down on a table. i had a bag of personal pills that i would take, in the side pocket of the backpack. i swear to God i must've taken my eyes off this bag for 30 seconds and one of these pieces of shit stole it, and then pretended to not know what i was talking about. it makes me feel good when people like this die young.

anyway, i take the opportunity of being in a paid-for motel room to sit my ass down and have all my customers come meet me there. ill make use of these junkies one way or another. they were all half asleep on my painkillers anyway. it was a saturday night, so a lot of people were stopping by the motel room to buy cocaine from either me or my partner. we just set up shop. as it got a bit later, probably around midnight, one of the junkies came back in the motel room with two new guests. these new guests i was not so upset about. they were two lesbian women, not attractive at all, tough, street lesbians. i was happy about there presence because they were both very kind, one was quiet, and the other was very talkative, and funny. the louder one was the masculine one in the couple for sure. she was big for a woman, both in height, and build, "butch." but wow did she have some charisma, i wonder where she is today and what she's up to.

at one point she was in the middle of telling a story when all of a sudden, we hear heavy labored breathing coming from one corner of the room. everyone in unison darts their eyes in that direction. the younger, 17 year old puerto rican kid was leaned all the way back in his chair, eyes rolled all the back, making that horrible sound every opiate dealer knows very well. death rattle. everyone in the room is shocked, the older brother starts freaking out and breaking shit in the room, because that's the type of idiot human he used to be when he was alive. while he was being of no use, the butch lesbian goes to work, trying to revive the kid. she's slapping him, throwing cold water on him, trying CPR, every junkie revival trick in the book, at least my book. she then says, "hold on, im gonna try something, it might be weird but i've seen it work." she puts her hand in the boys pants, and starts jerking him off.

"it gets your blood flowing, i dont know if it works for chicks." after about twenty seconds of it, the kid opened his fucking eyes. i couldn't fucking believe it. him and his brother started hugging and crying. he made him swear that he would never do it again, but i'd bet everything i love that he's done it again. 

a man takes a job

what is the point of you? i don't mean that question as a joke at all. what is your use? if you're a woman, this question is answered for you at birth. but if you're a man, it's not so obvious.

if you have a hard time answering the first line of this post, it is very likely that you feel depressed, unfulfilled, anxious, and small. and you should. this is a healthy mind and body telling you that you need to figure it out. this is why a man needs a job. a man cannot go through life without work. it will drive him insane. a man without a job has no purpose, no use, and no identity. there's a scene in the movie "taxi driver," where the main character goes to one of his coworkers/friends, and describes dark and awful feelings he's been having. he clearly is in a terrible place. his coworker replies with one of my favorite quotes from a movie, a quote that accurately describes the path of a fulfilled man.

here's what he basically said:

"A man takes a job. And that job becomes what he is. You do a thing and that's what you are. I've been a cabbie for 17 years. Ten years at night. I still don't own my own cab. You know why? Because I don't want to. That must be what I want, to be on the night shift, drivin' somebody else's cab. You understand? You get a job, you become the job."

a man needs a reason to be around. his existence needs to be justified. otherwise he walks around his entire life wondering what he is supposed to do and where is supposed to go. if you've ever found yourself in a depressive spiral, you know just how fast the "what do i do?" questions can turn into "why bother?" women are inherently valuable. they have the ability to create new life. men cannot just sit there and have value. a man that sits and eats up resources has the opposite of value, he is a liability. a mans brain is not designed to feel like it's a burden, so it punishes you for being one by making you depressed. 

you don't enjoy doing things you used to, 

you can't sleep,

you can't smile,

because you don't deserve to.

your ancestors fought off wild animals, fended off long winters and enemy tribes. they went through hell to stay alive and to propagate their bloodline. after all of that, there's you, playing xbox all day, eating pringles, feeling pathetic. you feel like a loser, because you are.

you must acquire a skill, a reason for people to need you, or at least become of some use to as many people as you can. don't look for anything in return. this is the remedy. there's not a lot of things that feel better to a man, than when he gets to feel like a man. the easiest way to feel like a man is to carry a burden so that someone else won't have to. that is our purpose for breathing. whether you're a guy farming corn, or james fucking bond, you'll feel content, it doesn't matter. you're body will reward you by letting you feel at ease, you will begin to breathe in a way that you've never breathed before. air will flow in and out of your lungs so slowly and gently, and when you rest your head on the pillow at night, your mind will be quiet.

you will notice that, the more you work, the more lucky you seem to get. that's because God favors those who work hard. you will be amazed at how "lucky" you all of a sudden become. God will never bring fortune to those who squander all that they've been given, He blesses those who try.

halfway house tale: conor reagan

i stayed in a halfway house for a few months in baton rouge, Louisiana. there were a lot of very interesting people there, as with any halfway house. one of them, a guy named conor, was a guy who confused me. i didnt know what his deal was. he was an absolute freak, he weirded me out, and for that reason i kept my distance from him. he never made a funny joke, he never contributed much to conversations and he never did anything useful. all he really did was sit there, make off-colored remarks, and laugh at strange times. 

the halfway house was basically 5 really small houses on one property, 3 being for residents, and 2 for staff. this was an all male halfway house with no internet. that being said, there were a few porn dvds, and magazines floating around. one time, conor thought he had one of the 3 houses to himself. all of his housemates had evening shifts that night, so it was just him in there. a good friend of mine and i were on the porch of the house next door having a smoke, we noticed the blinds to conors house were wide open. this guy conor, was in the middle of the living room floor, knees bent, ass sitting on his feet, jerking off watching porn on the tv. my friend and i had a good laugh and ignored it. 

another one of conors wonderful character details is that every once in a while he would burst into a fit of rage for no reason. there was this dude named jeremy, he was one of the nicest dudes ever. he actually bought me at least 50 meals while I was there just because he liked me, and i wasnt the only person he did that for. one time jeremy was telling a story to a group of us, on the back patio behind the 3 resident houses. the story had absolutely nothing to do with conor, and conor came running over screaming at the top of his lungs, and i dont remember exactly what he said, but what i do remember was jeremy very reasonably saying, "what the fuck are you talking about?" and then conor again, face red, screaming as loud as he can, "HOW DARE HE SAY THAT I CANT HIT WOMEN" and then he punched the exterior of the middle home with his right hand, breaking his right wrist. he walked around with a cast for months after that. 

i really dont even know why conor was there, i remember it was something not very serious, like drinking and driving. he claimed to be an alcoholic, but i never saw that in him at all. he never seemed like a partier, he never ever told one story about drinking, positive or negative, and if he did they were so boring and mundane that my brain completely wiped over them. i never saw him as someone who was addicted to a substance, he always just seemed like a mental case.

that being said, when conor left this halfway, i guess he went on to date a girl from LSU. I don't know the full story, but he ended up stabbing her to death, and now hes facing life in prison. just this morning i read that in 2022 he was trying to plea insanity, i dont know if his case is going on but let me say this, that man is 100% insane BUT he 100% knows right from wrong. in no way should he be put in a mental hospital at this point. that guy knew exactly what he was doing. ive spent months around him, and i did not like him for many reasons, but his manipulative nature is definitely a big one. he belongs in prison until he's dead, no question.

slugs

im a contractor, i recently did a job for someone i knew from high school. i did him a favor on the price because we had played football together. people who knew him from the same time period as me told me he was a dishonest person, and that I should be careful about how things play out. for a few different reasons. i did not heed their warnings, and i regret that. long story short, i got screwed out of a little bit of money. it wasn't so much about the money, it was about the time spent, and the way he tried to make me feel like everything i did was wrong, which he knew was not the case. also everything was "amazing" and "looks great," up until it was time to pay me.

anyway, i am a very angry person and i always have been. most of the time i get intoxicated, it is to escape that feeling. outwardly im extremely polite and respectful to everyone that deserves it, but on the inside it's very difficult for me to achieve peace. since the job we did, from time to time, i voice my frustration toward the situation to my girlfriend, describing how i would like to handle it. i describe violent scenes to her, that sit in my head. i tend to ruminate on things like this for years. she tells me to stop, and that she doesnt like that way of thinking and that it's stooping down. that's the thing about rage though, you're fully ready to stoop as far down as you can. in no way am i interested in being "the bigger man" or taking the high road in situations like this, and to me, it's very puzzling that others don't react the same way. you mean to tell me other people arent having violent fantasies toward people who've wronged them for a quarter of every single day? i know that sounds like an absurd question but this way of thinking feels so natural and "correct" to me that i almost feel like asking it. 

about a couple weeks later, i was sitting in my backyard at night time with my girlfriend when we noticed we were basically surrounded by slugs, and that she had already stepped on one with her shoe. at first she was grossed out by the smushed carcass beneath her foot, but after wiping her shoe on the ground she very excitedly ran inside. she then walked back outside, this time, carrying a spoon full of salt. i watched in shock and horror as she poured salt on three different slugs. she was filled with joy during this, and laughing, it was really a side of her i've never seen or even imagined existed. i tried to hide how i felt about the situation by relaxing my face and not saying much, but i'll probably never look at her the same way to be honest, the same way you never look at your girlfriend the same after learning about her sexual history, although, this situation is nowhere near as severe. not even close.

there was a certain malevolence to that act, torturing harmless creatures to death. what confuses me about people is that to them killing a bug or a slug or a rat is somehow different from taking the life of a person, i mean i know that killing a person obviously has more consequences but why is it morally okay to kill a bug that wasnt bothering anyone, but it's not okay to kill a bad person or someone who has wronged you? why is one seen as nothing and the other is seen as a heinous act? i genuinely am trying to figure this out. why is one life more important than another, because he's a human? i'm sure we can all agree that there are certain people out there, whom if they didn't exist, the world would be a better place. i'm sure we can also believe the same thing but pertaining to bugs. so why is it not okay to snuff out people who mean you or others harm? and again, i understand legalities and why killing a person is more serious, and that's because it affects the emotions of many people that were close with him and that will effect a small portion of the community, but i mean morally. morally, why is it wrong? if doing that is wrong, then that means every mosquito, rat, roach, bacteria, and cancer cell you kill is also morally wrong. why should it be different?

the road less travelled

i was driving to my dad's apartment because i had to pick something up over there. on the way, there was a protest, all Palestinian people, the women were very beautiful. while stopped at a red light, i locked eyes with one of them and we smirked at each other for a moment. then, from the sidewalk, the most wonderful young Palestinian boy came up to my window. he asked me if id like a pamphlet about Jesus and Islam, or if i wanted an English version of the Qur'an. i happily took both and it was a lovely moment. i told him thank you and asked God to bless him. maybe he doesn't need it as much as most people, or maybe he does, but he definitely deserves it more than most people.

i began reading it while still driving there and then in the parking lot, waiting for my dad to come downstairs, and I noticed something. most religions use very similar language. there's always talk of direction, or a path. "sin" is derived from a word that roughly translates to "missing the mark." in the beginning of the Qur'an it speaks of receiving "direction" from the Lord. the Bible talks about taking the right path, "follow" Christ, "walk" with Him. Faith is often described using terminology pertaining to being blind and taking leaps, travel without a guaranteed destination.

even in our day to day talk, non-religious people alike, we use very similar language. we liken our whole lives to a journey or adventure, and by the way we speak it seems the most important thing is to keep moving, and try to pick the correct paths, go in the right direction, follow the right people, steer clear of certain things. books like the Bible were written to ensure that if you do what it says, and more importantly, refrain from the things it says to refrain from, it'll be pretty hard to be knocked off the trail that leads to the happiest ending for you. God wants the best for you, that's part of love, but He won't control you, and thats part of love too. He can only guide you.

scratches bumps bruises

overprotection is abuse. a bird is perfectly safe in a cage, prisoners are safe in solitary confinement, dogs are safe in a shed. that is the case, however, they'd all rather be dead. 

a mother that keeps her child in the house will eventually release a child into the world, no matter what age they are when that finally happens. so not only is the life of the overprotected child a meaningless and uneventful one, but when he finally steps out in the world he is unaware, and unprepared. to top it off he will get picked on by others for it as well. all he will know is school, video games, and the internet. 

some parents think they are doing their children a favor by keeping them from life's many horrors for as long as possible. the only way you can do this is by lying or omitting. then they get conflicting stories from other people and this just confuses them. so if you want to prevent that you have to monitor who they speak with and what they watch. all of this work to deceive in the name of "safety and protection," instead of just letting your child live and explore and discover. im not saying let them do anything and everything. you should watch from a distance, you should only be making sure that they aren't going to die.

life is so full of possibilities. this fact is what keeps billions of us going. when you strip a child of all the possibilities of life, you are essentially keeping them unborn until the very unfortunate day he finally wakes up and realizes what's been going on. but the damage won't be fully solidified for the rest of his life. the consequences of growing up this way never leave you, you discover new ones all the time. 

it's your fault you are depressed

you have to understand that as a man, if you dont find a purpose you will never feel satisfied for a moment in your life. you are a worker, a fish in a school, a wolf in a pack, going off and doing your own thing serves only you, and living selfishly as a member of pack species can never end in contentment and satisfaction. you need to carry something, specifically so that someone you care about doesn't have to. otherwise you are sitting there, watching, while they carry everything, including you. why would you deserve to be happy if you aren't carrying your weight? evolution would never allow that. 

if our species felt content with sitting and doing absolutely nothing, then people since the beginning of our species would have done only that, and we'd likely not have lasted very long. but if by some miracle we lasted up until today, we'd still be living in caves and eating bugs. people require a lot more than eating, sleeping, and shitting, to feel good. we are much more complex than that. we are wired to feel good when we are doing things that help the pack. we cannot worry about making ourselves happy. you must make the pack happy, and in doing that, the feeling of emptiness you've always sat with will flee from you. 

you will understand that that feeling of emptiness was actually a feeling of uselessness and inadequacy. if you claim to be depressed, but you're spending 5 hours a day playing video games and the rest of the day scrolling through videos on your phone, you're not depressed. you're just useless. and im not being harsh, im stating a fact. 

people like this also tend to feel loads of anxiety as well on top of all this. this can also be easily explained. your body is reacting with fear constantly because you are not sure of yourself. the only way you can become sure of yourself is to prove to yourself that you don't completely fuckin suck, and you can't lie to yourself because you were there the whole time.

if you want to feel good you have to earn it. being content is not something given out freely to everything that breathes.

pillar of salt

it seems by the end of the last post that i got bored rather quickly. but here i am again, about 3 months later. my business is going well. im not making a ton of money but im learning a lot. i know i will be making more money soon. i just need time to continue making mistakes and learning from them.

i always feel the need to produce. i feel like shit otherwise. then i think too much about it, "if it's not perfect i won't like it and everyone will think i suck." 

you have to just do things without thinking about, or being attached to an outcome. you need to continue moving forward. it is very easy to think yourself into inaction. especially since sitting there is easier than working.

one of the most amazing bible stories is that of sodom and gomorra. after god tells lot to leave the city, and bring all his family, he tells them that if anyone looks back at the destruction, they will be turned into a pillar of salt. and of course lot's wife, being a typical woman, looks back at the destruction anyway, and becomes a pillar of salt. i believe this was god's way of telling us that looking back will paralyze you. it is the path that will kill your dreams. just keep moving forward, don't ever spend time thinking about the past, or the sins you used to partake. 

it costs so much energy just to be in the present, any leftover should be spent on the future. a lot of us spend our energy wrestling with the past. we pretty much live there, and unless we turn our heads forward again, the past is where we will stay.

a new thing

i am not a writer, but i write often. i dont know where the urge comes from but it's certainly present. i dont really have an outlet to share what i write, so a while ago i made this page, and i think i'm going to start posting on it.

i bought a new laptop because i just started a business. i hope it wasnt a waste of money although ive only spent about $1,000 on it so far, and ive lost much more money on much less productive things before. i've always been sort of entrepreneurial (i can't believe i just spelled that right the first try) minded. my first business, although non-official, was selling snacks, and oddly, phone cases as well out of my locker in 8th grade. one day i came back to my locker after a class only to find the door swung open and my whole stash ransacked. that was the first time in my life i felt the type of anger that later spiraled into something deep, dark, cold, depressing and horrible. though my mindset remained the same throughout my life, entrepreneurial. but that anger i felt right then and there was a feeling i had no idea would become so familiar.

see, part of the reason that angered me so much is because i thought everyone respected me at that school, and above all, liked me as well. the fact that someone would do that and then look me in the face and pretend like they didn't know who did it blew my mind. i mean i understand that people did it, but not to me. how stupid i was back then. i'd pay good money to be that stupid again.

typing this stuff out almost feels like a sort of a therapy session even though i'm talking to myself. i'm gona continue to do this i think. maybe one of us will get something out of it. and if i get bored, ill stop.

God bless