im a contractor, i recently did a job for someone i knew from high school. i did him a favor on the price because we had played football together. people who knew him from the same time period as me told me he was a dishonest person, and that I should be careful about how things play out. for a few different reasons. i did not heed their warnings, and i regret that. long story short, i got screwed out of a little bit of money. it wasn't so much about the money, it was about the time spent, and the way he tried to make me feel like everything i did was wrong, which he knew was not the case. also everything was "amazing" and "looks great," up until it was time to pay me.
anyway, i am a very angry person and i always have been. most of the time i get intoxicated, it is to escape that feeling. outwardly im extremely polite and respectful to everyone that deserves it, but on the inside it's very difficult for me to achieve peace. since the job we did, from time to time, i voice my frustration toward the situation to my girlfriend, describing how i would like to handle it. i describe violent scenes to her, that sit in my head. i tend to ruminate on things like this for years. she tells me to stop, and that she doesnt like that way of thinking and that it's stooping down. that's the thing about rage though, you're fully ready to stoop as far down as you can. in no way am i interested in being "the bigger man" or taking the high road in situations like this, and to me, it's very puzzling that others don't react the same way. you mean to tell me other people arent having violent fantasies toward people who've wronged them for a quarter of every single day? i know that sounds like an absurd question but this way of thinking feels so natural and "correct" to me that i almost feel like asking it.
about a couple weeks later, i was sitting in my backyard at night time with my girlfriend when we noticed we were basically surrounded by slugs, and that she had already stepped on one with her shoe. at first she was grossed out by the smushed carcass beneath her foot, but after wiping her shoe on the ground she very excitedly ran inside. she then walked back outside, this time, carrying a spoon full of salt. i watched in shock and horror as she poured salt on three different slugs. she was filled with joy during this, and laughing, it was really a side of her i've never seen or even imagined existed. i tried to hide how i felt about the situation by relaxing my face and not saying much, but i'll probably never look at her the same way to be honest, the same way you never look at your girlfriend the same after learning about her sexual history, although, this situation is nowhere near as severe. not even close.
there was a certain malevolence to that act, torturing harmless creatures to death. what confuses me about people is that to them killing a bug or a slug or a rat is somehow different from taking the life of a person, i mean i know that killing a person obviously has more consequences but why is it morally okay to kill a bug that wasnt bothering anyone, but it's not okay to kill a bad person or someone who has wronged you? why is one seen as nothing and the other is seen as a heinous act? i genuinely am trying to figure this out. why is one life more important than another, because he's a human? i'm sure we can all agree that there are certain people out there, whom if they didn't exist, the world would be a better place. i'm sure we can also believe the same thing but pertaining to bugs. so why is it not okay to snuff out people who mean you or others harm? and again, i understand legalities and why killing a person is more serious, and that's because it affects the emotions of many people that were close with him and that will effect a small portion of the community, but i mean morally. morally, why is it wrong? if doing that is wrong, then that means every mosquito, rat, roach, bacteria, and cancer cell you kill is also morally wrong. why should it be different?