a man takes a job

what is the point of you? i don't mean that question as a joke at all. what is your use? if you're a woman, this question is answered for you at birth. but if you're a man, it's not so obvious.

if you have a hard time answering the first line of this post, it is very likely that you feel depressed, unfulfilled, anxious, and small. and you should. this is a healthy mind and body telling you that you need to figure it out. this is why a man needs a job. a man cannot go through life without work. it will drive him insane. a man without a job has no purpose, no use, and no identity. there's a scene in the movie "taxi driver," where the main character goes to one of his coworkers/friends, and describes dark and awful feelings he's been having. he clearly is in a terrible place. his coworker replies with one of my favorite quotes from a movie, a quote that accurately describes the path of a fulfilled man.

here's what he basically said:

"A man takes a job. And that job becomes what he is. You do a thing and that's what you are. I've been a cabbie for 17 years. Ten years at night. I still don't own my own cab. You know why? Because I don't want to. That must be what I want, to be on the night shift, drivin' somebody else's cab. You understand? You get a job, you become the job."

a man needs a reason to be around. his existence needs to be justified. otherwise he walks around his entire life wondering what he is supposed to do and where is supposed to go. if you've ever found yourself in a depressive spiral, you know just how fast the "what do i do?" questions can turn into "why bother?" women are inherently valuable. they have the ability to create new life. men cannot just sit there and have value. a man that sits and eats up resources has the opposite of value, he is a liability. a mans brain is not designed to feel like it's a burden, so it punishes you for being one by making you depressed. 

you don't enjoy doing things you used to, 

you can't sleep,

you can't smile,

because you don't deserve to.

your ancestors fought off wild animals, fended off long winters and enemy tribes. they went through hell to stay alive and to propagate their bloodline. after all of that, there's you, playing xbox all day, eating pringles, feeling pathetic. you feel like a loser, because you are.

you must acquire a skill, a reason for people to need you, or at least become of some use to as many people as you can. don't look for anything in return. this is the remedy. there's not a lot of things that feel better to a man, than when he gets to feel like a man. the easiest way to feel like a man is to carry a burden so that someone else won't have to. that is our purpose for breathing. whether you're a guy farming corn, or james fucking bond, you'll feel content, it doesn't matter. you're body will reward you by letting you feel at ease, you will begin to breathe in a way that you've never breathed before. air will flow in and out of your lungs so slowly and gently, and when you rest your head on the pillow at night, your mind will be quiet.

you will notice that, the more you work, the more lucky you seem to get. that's because God favors those who work hard. you will be amazed at how "lucky" you all of a sudden become. God will never bring fortune to those who squander all that they've been given, He blesses those who try.

halfway house tale: conor reagan

i stayed in a halfway house for a few months in baton rouge, Louisiana. there were a lot of very interesting people there, as with any halfway house. one of them, a guy named conor, was a guy who confused me. i didnt know what his deal was. he was an absolute freak, he weirded me out, and for that reason i kept my distance from him. he never made a funny joke, he never contributed much to conversations and he never did anything useful. all he really did was sit there, make off-colored remarks, and laugh at strange times. 

the halfway house was basically 5 really small houses on one property, 3 being for residents, and 2 for staff. this was an all male halfway house with no internet. that being said, there were a few porn dvds, and magazines floating around. one time, conor thought he had one of the 3 houses to himself. all of his housemates had evening shifts that night, so it was just him in there. a good friend of mine and i were on the porch of the house next door having a smoke, we noticed the blinds to conors house were wide open. this guy conor, was in the middle of the living room floor, knees bent, ass sitting on his feet, jerking off watching porn on the tv. my friend and i had a good laugh and ignored it. 

another one of conors wonderful character details is that every once in a while he would burst into a fit of rage for no reason. there was this dude named jeremy, he was one of the nicest dudes ever. he actually bought me at least 50 meals while I was there just because he liked me, and i wasnt the only person he did that for. one time jeremy was telling a story to a group of us, on the back patio behind the 3 resident houses. the story had absolutely nothing to do with conor, and conor came running over screaming at the top of his lungs, and i dont remember exactly what he said, but what i do remember was jeremy very reasonably saying, "what the fuck are you talking about?" and then conor again, face red, screaming as loud as he can, "HOW DARE HE SAY THAT I CANT HIT WOMEN" and then he punched the exterior of the middle home with his right hand, breaking his right wrist. he walked around with a cast for months after that. 

i really dont even know why conor was there, i remember it was something not very serious, like drinking and driving. he claimed to be an alcoholic, but i never saw that in him at all. he never seemed like a partier, he never ever told one story about drinking, positive or negative, and if he did they were so boring and mundane that my brain completely wiped over them. i never saw him as someone who was addicted to a substance, he always just seemed like a mental case.

that being said, when conor left this halfway, i guess he went on to date a girl from LSU. I don't know the full story, but he ended up stabbing her to death, and now hes facing life in prison. just this morning i read that in 2022 he was trying to plea insanity, i dont know if his case is going on but let me say this, that man is 100% insane BUT he 100% knows right from wrong. in no way should he be put in a mental hospital at this point. that guy knew exactly what he was doing. ive spent months around him, and i did not like him for many reasons, but his manipulative nature is definitely a big one. he belongs in prison until he's dead, no question.

slugs

im a contractor, i recently did a job for someone i knew from high school. i did him a favor on the price because we had played football together. people who knew him from the same time period as me told me he was a dishonest person, and that I should be careful about how things play out. for a few different reasons. i did not heed their warnings, and i regret that. long story short, i got screwed out of a little bit of money. it wasn't so much about the money, it was about the time spent, and the way he tried to make me feel like everything i did was wrong, which he knew was not the case. also everything was "amazing" and "looks great," up until it was time to pay me.

anyway, i am a very angry person and i always have been. most of the time i get intoxicated, it is to escape that feeling. outwardly im extremely polite and respectful to everyone that deserves it, but on the inside it's very difficult for me to achieve peace. since the job we did, from time to time, i voice my frustration toward the situation to my girlfriend, describing how i would like to handle it. i describe violent scenes to her, that sit in my head. i tend to ruminate on things like this for years. she tells me to stop, and that she doesnt like that way of thinking and that it's stooping down. that's the thing about rage though, you're fully ready to stoop as far down as you can. in no way am i interested in being "the bigger man" or taking the high road in situations like this, and to me, it's very puzzling that others don't react the same way. you mean to tell me other people arent having violent fantasies toward people who've wronged them for a quarter of every single day? i know that sounds like an absurd question but this way of thinking feels so natural and "correct" to me that i almost feel like asking it. 

about a couple weeks later, i was sitting in my backyard at night time with my girlfriend when we noticed we were basically surrounded by slugs, and that she had already stepped on one with her shoe. at first she was grossed out by the smushed carcass beneath her foot, but after wiping her shoe on the ground she very excitedly ran inside. she then walked back outside, this time, carrying a spoon full of salt. i watched in shock and horror as she poured salt on three different slugs. she was filled with joy during this, and laughing, it was really a side of her i've never seen or even imagined existed. i tried to hide how i felt about the situation by relaxing my face and not saying much, but i'll probably never look at her the same way to be honest, the same way you never look at your girlfriend the same after learning about her sexual history, although, this situation is nowhere near as severe. not even close.

there was a certain malevolence to that act, torturing harmless creatures to death. what confuses me about people is that to them killing a bug or a slug or a rat is somehow different from taking the life of a person, i mean i know that killing a person obviously has more consequences but why is it morally okay to kill a bug that wasnt bothering anyone, but it's not okay to kill a bad person or someone who has wronged you? why is one seen as nothing and the other is seen as a heinous act? i genuinely am trying to figure this out. why is one life more important than another, because he's a human? i'm sure we can all agree that there are certain people out there, whom if they didn't exist, the world would be a better place. i'm sure we can also believe the same thing but pertaining to bugs. so why is it not okay to snuff out people who mean you or others harm? and again, i understand legalities and why killing a person is more serious, and that's because it affects the emotions of many people that were close with him and that will effect a small portion of the community, but i mean morally. morally, why is it wrong? if doing that is wrong, then that means every mosquito, rat, roach, bacteria, and cancer cell you kill is also morally wrong. why should it be different?

the road less travelled

i was driving to my dad's apartment because i had to pick something up over there. on the way, there was a protest, all Palestinian people, the women were very beautiful. while stopped at a red light, i locked eyes with one of them and we smirked at each other for a moment. then, from the sidewalk, the most wonderful young Palestinian boy came up to my window. he asked me if id like a pamphlet about Jesus and Islam, or if i wanted an English version of the Qur'an. i happily took both and it was a lovely moment. i told him thank you and asked God to bless him. maybe he doesn't need it as much as most people, or maybe he does, but he definitely deserves it more than most people.

i began reading it while still driving there and then in the parking lot, waiting for my dad to come downstairs, and I noticed something. most religions use very similar language. there's always talk of direction, or a path. "sin" is derived from a word that roughly translates to "missing the mark." in the beginning of the Qur'an it speaks of receiving "direction" from the Lord. the Bible talks about taking the right path, "follow" Christ, "walk" with Him. Faith is often described using terminology pertaining to being blind and taking leaps, travel without a guaranteed destination.

even in our day to day talk, non-religious people alike, we use very similar language. we liken our whole lives to a journey or adventure, and by the way we speak it seems the most important thing is to keep moving, and try to pick the correct paths, go in the right direction, follow the right people, steer clear of certain things. books like the Bible were written to ensure that if you do what it says, and more importantly, refrain from the things it says to refrain from, it'll be pretty hard to be knocked off the trail that leads to the happiest ending for you. God wants the best for you, that's part of love, but He won't control you, and thats part of love too. He can only guide you.

scratches bumps bruises

overprotection is abuse. a bird is perfectly safe in a cage, prisoners are safe in solitary confinement, dogs are safe in a shed. that is the case, however, they'd all rather be dead. 

a mother that keeps her child in the house will eventually release a child into the world, no matter what age they are when that finally happens. so not only is the life of the overprotected child a meaningless and uneventful one, but when he finally steps out in the world he is unaware, and unprepared. to top it off he will get picked on by others for it as well. all he will know is school, video games, and the internet. 

some parents think they are doing their children a favor by keeping them from life's many horrors for as long as possible. the only way you can do this is by lying or omitting. then they get conflicting stories from other people and this just confuses them. so if you want to prevent that you have to monitor who they speak with and what they watch. all of this work to deceive in the name of "safety and protection," instead of just letting your child live and explore and discover. im not saying let them do anything and everything. you should watch from a distance, you should only be making sure that they aren't going to die.

life is so full of possibilities. this fact is what keeps billions of us going. when you strip a child of all the possibilities of life, you are essentially keeping them unborn until the very unfortunate day he finally wakes up and realizes what's been going on. but the damage won't be fully solidified for the rest of his life. the consequences of growing up this way never leave you, you discover new ones all the time. 

it's your fault you are depressed

you have to understand that as a man, if you dont find a purpose you will never feel satisfied for a moment in your life. you are a worker, a fish in a school, a wolf in a pack, going off and doing your own thing serves only you, and living selfishly as a member of pack species can never end in contentment and satisfaction. you need to carry something, specifically so that someone you care about doesn't have to. otherwise you are sitting there, watching, while they carry everything, including you. why would you deserve to be happy if you aren't carrying your weight? evolution would never allow that. 

if our species felt content with sitting and doing absolutely nothing, then people since the beginning of our species would have done only that, and we'd likely not have lasted very long. but if by some miracle we lasted up until today, we'd still be living in caves and eating bugs. people require a lot more than eating, sleeping, and shitting, to feel good. we are much more complex than that. we are wired to feel good when we are doing things that help the pack. we cannot worry about making ourselves happy. you must make the pack happy, and in doing that, the feeling of emptiness you've always sat with will flee from you. 

you will understand that that feeling of emptiness was actually a feeling of uselessness and inadequacy. if you claim to be depressed, but you're spending 5 hours a day playing video games and the rest of the day scrolling through videos on your phone, you're not depressed. you're just useless. and im not being harsh, im stating a fact. 

people like this also tend to feel loads of anxiety as well on top of all this. this can also be easily explained. your body is reacting with fear constantly because you are not sure of yourself. the only way you can become sure of yourself is to prove to yourself that you don't completely fuckin suck, and you can't lie to yourself because you were there the whole time.

if you want to feel good you have to earn it. being content is not something given out freely to everything that breathes.

pillar of salt

it seems by the end of the last post that i got bored rather quickly. but here i am again, about 3 months later. my business is going well. im not making a ton of money but im learning a lot. i know i will be making more money soon. i just need time to continue making mistakes and learning from them.

i always feel the need to produce. i feel like shit otherwise. then i think too much about it, "if it's not perfect i won't like it and everyone will think i suck." 

you have to just do things without thinking about, or being attached to an outcome. you need to continue moving forward. it is very easy to think yourself into inaction. especially since sitting there is easier than working.

one of the most amazing bible stories is that of sodom and gomorra. after god tells lot to leave the city, and bring all his family, he tells them that if anyone looks back at the destruction, they will be turned into a pillar of salt. and of course lot's wife, being a typical woman, looks back at the destruction anyway, and becomes a pillar of salt. i believe this was god's way of telling us that looking back will paralyze you. it is the path that will kill your dreams. just keep moving forward, don't ever spend time thinking about the past, or the sins you used to partake. 

it costs so much energy just to be in the present, any leftover should be spent on the future. a lot of us spend our energy wrestling with the past. we pretty much live there, and unless we turn our heads forward again, the past is where we will stay.