this may be something that most cant relate with, but i barely sleep. ive been dealing with this forever. i sleep like every other day, and i usually get my sleep while the sun is out.
june 3rd was my birthday. i just turned 26. maybe i am alone in this, but i never have been able to picture myself in my 40s or 50s; and definitely not after that. i always wonder if this is something irregular. i feel like since i was young i have just expected myself to die young, and my actions have shown this. i tend to live like i dont have much time left, and in doing so, it makes it more likely that i will not have much time left.
i dont want to say that i am depressed, but, there is definitely something at work in my soul, something that i do not understand. i so desperately want someone to tell me they understand. i have met people who feel something similar, i can tell by how they describe it, but it's never exact. no matter how well things are going for me, i cant get away from the awful feeling. in the best of times, i felt okay only due to distraction. im always left with myself at the end of the day, and no matter what evidence i have that proves that i am indeed "good," i dont think ill ever believe it.
they say that anxiety is living in the future, and depression is living in the past. well, i have absolutely no anxiety anymore. i used to be filled with it, for years i was. but as enough time has passed, enough horrific failures and terrible life events, i just dont care anymore. there is nothing i can go through that will be worse than something i haven't already lived. that just leaves me with depression though. the memories, regrets, bad decisions, its hard to forget. for some reason i allow these thoughts to ruin the good moments i do have.
in a way i blame society for a lot of what i feel. things are so backwards, and i know im not alone in this feeling. just look at the data on the amount of antidepressants that are prescribed. things are set up to be so against human nature. we think that because we have iphones, netflix and doordash that all of our problems are solved. really, we are just too distracted to pay attention to them most of the time. the world is filled with unhappiness, and instead of us fixing the root cause of all our issues, some dipshit doctor gives us pills to take the unhappiness away. and if you pay attention to the world even a little bit, its pretty self evident the pills arent working very well. God forbid we give up our facebooks and our instagrams. we all know that that would be way too much to ask.
a lot of women say to go to therapy, but therapy is a literal joke. capitalizing on the insane amounts of loneliness in the modern world, therapy is nothing more than a fake antidote. pay someone to sit and listen to your bullshit, thats the solution? i guess women think yapping about problems is a solution in and of itself.
it just feels like im waiting for something, but i dont know what it is. maybe one day ill figure it out. the closest ive come to feeling alright has been turning to God, i know this takes a lot of effort, and im trying. the LORD knows all, but He doesnt just give us the answers because we are uncomfortable. we have to give ourselves to Him without refrain. if i one day find all the answers, i will be here, sharing them with you.