read this if you're white

here are some statements i’d like you to read and as you’re reading them, notice and take note of the emotions and feelings you experience while doing so.

“it’s okay to be white.”
“white lives matter.”
“white people are great.”
“white people have done amazing things for society.”
“we should preserve white people and their genetics.”
“white people deserve to have a place for themselves.”
“the world is a better place because of white people.”
“i am proud to be white.”

after reading those statements, how do you feel? did they upset you? do you disagree with any of them? if any of these statements did upset you, go back and reread them, except replace the words “white”, with “black.” do you still have the same negative reaction?

i understand that not everyone feels the same way. but i do know that there is an overwhelming amount of white people that feel ashamed for being white. i suspect the number is much higher in the female half of our population, but it’s certainly present with males alike. this sentiment has come to be known as “white guilt,” and it’s a relatively new thing. but where does it come from? why are white people the only ones that have to pay for the sins of their ancestors? of course we know that every other race of people have done horrible things, why don’t we constantly throw it in their faces like they do to us?

the attack on whites began within the last 20 years, but it didn’t come out of nowhere, it came gradually. i remember when i was in school 15 years ago, we were taught endlessly about how american history has always been awful and racist and that white people perpetrated it all. they told us white kids that we were the descendants of colonizers, pillagers, rapists, and genocidal slavers. a little bit after i graduated school, they began the disavowal of Columbus, they got rid of his statues, and eventually his holiday. they didn’t like to talk about how the indians that Columbus found here were wild savages, sacrificing their children and virgin women to false gods that europeans never heard of, or how they were consistently engaged in tribal warfare, shooting arrows and stabbing eachother, raping the women of enemy tribes. they purposely omit this information because it may put Columbus in a light where he is not the complete deplorable villain of the story.

while i was still in school, they never missed a chance to remind us that our ancestors were all slave owners. but they completely omitted, surely on purpose, that the slaves got here through african slave owners selling their own people to jewish slave traders who then brought them to the states on their jewish ships to be sold here. they also conveniently left out that only 1.4% of white americans owned slaves at the peak of slavery, while it is estimated that somewhere between 50%-70% of jews did. and lastly, but certainly not least, the school system hammered into our heads in multiple different years of our schooling that we were the nazis. and listen, i could get into the WW2 story about how it didn’t exactly happen the way they taught us about it in class, just like the other examples i gave, but this would take well over one blog post to discuss and it is not exactly the focus of this post.

the point is this - why do we focus so closely on every iniquity supposedly perpetrated by whites, but we are so quick to forgive anything horrible done by every other race? why does Columbus’ statue get smashed into pieces, but Genghis Khan gets a netflix series all about how awesome he was? children in american schools today have it much worse than my generation had it and that’s really saying something. they’re now teaching “critical race theory” to children, which is an ideology that can be boiled down to that the white man has always been purposely keeping the black man down through various techniques throughout history, and that now whites owe them a leg up, even free money and opportunities in some cases. i mean, we are just constantly bombarded with tv shows and news articles telling us how much privilege we have and how we just suck in general, and if you’re a white man it’s 10x worse. every masculine figure in pop-culture and tv is a black guy these days. the white guys in these movies are always portrayed as goofy, feminine, dorks. and if they are masculine, you can be rest assured that they are the villains in the film.

i can go on and on with examples. the fact is, that we are left with generations of young white men growing up believing all they are are feminine, dorky, villains. they’re taught that they don’t deserve anything good, because everything we have is supposedly “stolen.” they make us feel, and sometimes outright tell us that we are unwelcome in our own country. what’s a young white man supposed to feel about this? well, we’ve seen young white’s coping in many different ways. a lot of us opt to being a sort of “wigger” type, where we dress, talk, and act like black americans. we do this because blacks are the only masculine examples we see in the media, so for one to want to be masculine and tough, it’s no wonder that they emulate them. with only the most emasculated white men they're allowed to look up to, what is left for a young white man to do?

another thing we see is young white’s simply fitting the mold, and being the dorky, uncool, unconfident nerds that the media portrays us as. they pander to the whims and interests of minorities, regardless of if what he is advocating for will be beneficial or detrimental to him. he will simply be a doormat for the minority, and do his bidding for him, on account of his own guilt for what he was taught his ancestors had done. it is his own white guilt causing him to act this way. which, while it is very sad, and lacking of a backbone, it does go to show that the white man is the most selfless of the races, willing to sacrifice his own comforts and well being because his ancestors supposedly wronged a bunch of people. so he now spends his one and only life, pandering to the so-called “victims” of his ancestors greatness.

the last thing we see, and certainly the saddest, is the extremely high rate of suicide amongst young white men. we never hear about this, but white men alone, have accounted for 70% of all suicides in the last 4 years. what did we expect? we tell a whole generation of kids they’re the scum of the earth before they’re even old enough to understand how absurd all of this is, and some of them never get to the point of realizing it. so it’s no wonder that whites are suffering from an abysmal lack of self worth, and it’s no wonder so many of them have dropped out of life all together. it’s truly a shame. and it’s things like this that brought me to writing this post. 

white countries are the only places that people from other races are migrating to en masse, we must be doing something right, because there is no case of the opposite. it’s terribly unfair to us. whites don’t have one single place in the world where we could live and just be around white people, but every other race of people do. if any of us speak up about this, we are called racist, they say “why don’t you want them here? you don’t want to live around nonwhites?” well, clearly they didn’t want to live around nonwhites either, that’s why they’re all leaving their awful, poorly run countries to come live with us. not only do these immigrants come here and enjoy our amenities, comforts, and suck up our resources by seldom paying taxes and taking full advantage of every handout they can find, but they complain about us being racist and devils the whole time. the ungratefulness is astounding. it's a complete paradox that most of them are too gullible and blind to realize.

white people alongside Orthodox Christianity/Catholicism have created the most comfortable, peaceful societies in history. we’ve invented most of the technologies we use on a daily basis that has progressed society in a forward direction. we’ve created all the most widely accepted moral systems that are used across the planet to this day. white people did not start slavery, but we are the ONLY race of people that still do no practice slavery in our current era. 

it’s okay to be white.
our lives matter.
we are great.
we have done amazing things for society.
we should preserve white people and their genetics.
we deserve to have a place for ourselves.
the world is a better place because of us.
we are proud to be white.

how to read the bible

(skip to third paragraph after the "--" if you don’t want to hear about me)

if it has not been obvious to you that i was born and raised Roman Catholic, i'd like to tell you now that i was. although, i have not been a Catholic my entire life. there had been a brief portion of my life where i considered and called myself an atheist. ironically enough, i decided that i no longer believed in God on the day of my confirmation at age 12. as i've written in a previous post, i grew up with a very overprotective mother, and because of this i spent a large amount of my time on the internet at a young age. this was during the 2000's when atheism was becoming a very popular thing. i was, and still am a person interested by science, and due to being a young impressionable man discovering reddit (awful,) i fell for the lies. 99% of reddit atheist’s arguments can be boiled down to a few phrases - “if God good, then why bad thing?” “science shows no proof for a God, so i don’t think there is one.” And last but not least - “i don’t need an imaginary man in the sky to be happy and be a good person.” we get it, they’re morally robust intellectuals. (i hope you detected the sarcasm.)

so how did i break free from this sort of thinking? well, after abandoning God, everything went to hell, no pun intended. it was only four years later at age 16 that i was selling drugs and getting high, horrifically depressed and anxious. it wasn’t until i went back to my faith at around 22-23 years old that i started to feel any relief, although i am not perfect now, i have been getting much better, at a slow pace. i did not expect to be fixed in a few days and i was certainly right for thinking that. the path to God is a never ending road but it is a joyous ride and the sights are beautiful. 

--

the bible is not one book, it is a collection of books within one, some call it a library. and while there is an optimal, or recommended order in which you read the books, i’ll leave the order in which you read them up to you, or rather, up to God. do some research online about what some of the books are about, and go from there. it is certain that you will find a book that you find either interesting or related to something you are experiencing in your current situation.

if you are reading this, i’m assuming you are someone who is either currently not a believer, you’re someone who has never read the book for the first time yet, or both. the key to reading this book, what i found most helpful, is to completely suspend all types of scientific thinking. read this book as if you are reading harry potter or something else where you are not asking “how?” all the time, you just simply take the stories for what they are. how they occurred is irrelevant, because only God knows. getting caught up in the “how” will cause you to miss the point of the words.

when i first thought about coming back to the faith, i thought i should just read the scripture and read it as if it is fiction, a story, and see if i could gain anything from what i was reading. this is when i realized the vast amount of wisdom in the books are immeasurable. you could write volumes of books pertaining to mere sentences found in the scripture. it’s truly an amazing thing to experience. to me, i find it downright unlikely that humans were solely involved in it’s creation. there was never anything like it before it’s inception, and there hasn’t been anything like it that has come after. 

when you read the stories, it is much more important to extract the lessons, themes, and ideas from them. you should be reading it in a way that whether you were a Christian or not, you could learn something from them. my problem was that when i was younger and thought i knew everything, i was reading the stories with the intention of finding conflicts of logic, things that seemed unrealistic, or anything that i might deem silly, or just plain wrong. the point is that these words were so powerful to so many people that wars were fought over them, cities were built. some of the most incomprehensible feats of human ingenuity were accomplished in the name of these words, so clearly i was missing something my first go-around. make sure that while you’re reading, your intention is to figure out what the LORD is trying to tell you. sometimes He makes it very blatant and obvious. but sometimes His message is vague, and could be interpreted in many different ways. there are many passages that i’ve read on multiple occasions and each time i understood it in a different way. the words in the bible are alive, they breathe along with you.

they tried

whether it was a random maniac, or an attempted political coup, they tried to blow our future president’s head off right in front of us, on live tv. it has been no secret that over the last decade, a lot of people, both influential and nobodies, have called for the death of donald trump and his supporters, and someone finally tried. trump decided to go off script and stopped reading the prompter, he turned his head away from the screen, and exactly .2 seconds later a bullet struck his ear. if he hadn’t decided to do that, we would’ve seen the death of our future president. God stopped this from happening. 

i don’t think this was the result of one crazed individual, but if it was, the media is responsible for it. for an entire decade we’ve heard that trump is the end of democracy, that he is a fascist and will bring about a new “nazi” regime, and that he will start world war 3. they’ve called him every name in the book, “pedophile,” “rapist,” “racist,” “homophobe,” “misogynist,” “evil,” “enemy of the people.” they told us that january 6th was the worst thing that happened to america since 9/11. they tried to tell us he was hitler. of course these are all lies, but most people aren’t very smart. so when someone goes ahead and tries to kill him, not only did they cause it to be imminent, but they are at fault, because if a person really believed everything they were hearing about him, one could feel morally obligated to do something about it.

what i think is more likely is that we just witnessed a failed political coup d’etat right in front of our eyes. i could write a book on why i think this but i will try to condense it down as best as i can. at first, i thought that the usual suspect, israel, was likely not behind this. mostly because trump is more pro-israel than biden. but then i thought about how since joe biden did not, and will not step down, our next president will not be a democrat. so if trump was killed, whoever was picked as the republican candidate will certainly be the next president. we know that 4 most likely options under trump are ron desantis, nikki haley, marco rubio and j.d. vance. all 4 of these people have pledged complete allegiance to israel. trump said he would not help israel against lebanon, and he would cut them off if they extended their affairs outside of palestine, because he already isn’t happy with what they’re doing in palestine now. so if trump was killed, either desantis, haley, rubio, or vance would be president, and they would owe everything to israel for getting them their position. essentially, if trump had died, our next president would be hand-picked for us, we would have no say in it, and of the 4 options, not one would give an ounce pushback to what israel can or can’t do with our money, and they would likely increase the amount of money we send to israel.

another angle is that putin has accepted trumps plan to end the war in ukraine. this would end the huge boom in capital among defense contractors. biden has told us that we don’t send ukraine any money, we only send them equipment. however, we do replace the equipment. so companies like lockheed martin, raytheon, and boeing are making an absolute killing with this war, and they don’t want it to stop, so there’s one interest right there. also, ukraine will never get another chance to fight russia again after this war, and they will never be part of NATO. ukraine certainly does not want trump in office.

i think that’s enough speculation for now. something that has happened in the midst of this attempted assassination is that we see the true colors of a lot of people on the left. the party that is against guns, is upset that the gunman missed. the party that shout’s “love wins” is upset that our future president didn’t catch a fucking bullet in the side of his skull. these people hate us. they hate our families and our ideals. they will never like us. it’s time we stop trying to be liked and start looking after ourselves, and pushing our beliefs on them like they’ve been doing for years. they don’t care about what we stand for, in fact, they hate what we stand for. a bullet almost hits our presidents head and they are all upset that it didn’t hit him. they are mocking the trump supporter that was killed in the crowd. if that was you or someone you loved, they’d be mocking it on the internet, like they are now. they are disgusting people, they are satanic people. they hate white people, they hate conservative people, they mock our LORD, and they’d be happy if we were all killed.

i hope trump sees all of this. i hope he understands that the people around him would not care if he died either, they would simply switch train-cars and support his replacement as if nothing happened. there are millions of people in this country that would take a bullet for this movement. and they’re NOT nikki haley, or marco rubio, or desantis, or any one of these “isreal first” traitors. and its certainly not j.d. vance or any of these other jews that just want to get him in so he could continue bombing the west bank for netanyahu and keep that disgusting fucking rat in power. 

yesterday, we saw divine intervention. we must thank God that he made trump turn his head at the last second so his brains didn’t get splattered all over the bleachers. this already is a very different day in american history post assassination attempt, but it goes without saying that we would be looking down very dark times had he not turned his head two inches to the right at that very moment. God extended his hand down to us and very truly saved our future. if he hadn’t, this country would be subjected to horribly evil people that see us, our lives, our military, our money and our labor as instruments to further their power and agenda, and that’s why they tried to kill trump, because the people that want to make america work for them still see trump as a threat. it’s time we stopped trying to be liked by the other side, it’s time we bulldoze them the way have been doing us for years. if there’s anything that this attempted assassination has shown us it’s that in the end the good guys always come out on top, even if it doesn’t seem like it through many years of sad times. thank God he had our backs because no one else did.

 "without a deadly hate of that which threatens what we love, love is an empty catchword for hippies, queers, and cowards."

halfway house tale: we lost brad

i’m usually very serious on this page. it’s long overdue that i talk about something a bit lighthearted, a bit more fun. i like to have a bit of variety here.

in 2017, my home was raided by the police. in my bedroom, they found about 2000 xanax pills, just under 500 oxycontin, 60 grams of cocaine, 120 grams of heroin, 2 pounds of weed, a pound of mushrooms, 5 sheets of acid, and 4 scales. even though i was young, and this was my first real arrest, new york state was not going to let me off easy with the operation i had going. i got a really good lawyer, probably the best criminal lawyer on long island. i ended up getting sentenced to 12 months of inpatient rehab, i ended up doing 18 months though, and by the end of this you’ll find out why.

i was sent to an inpatient rehab in los angeles. after being there for about 7 months, the place went out of business, so i was transferred to a halfway home about 10 miles away. since there was a mass exodus of criminals and junkies from this rehab, a few of the people i became friends with accompanied me there. in this halfway house is where our quick story begins.

at the time i was 19, with multiple felonies on my record, all being from this arrest, and california likes to act like they’re the all-inclusive, liberal state, but i didn’t find it to be that way at all, because i couldn’t get a job to save my life. i must’ve applied to about 100 different jobs while i was there, anything that was walking distance, i was there filling out an application. i didn’t even get a call for an interview. it was about 2 months of eating ramen noodles, and turkey stuffing every day, and i thought to myself, “i should sell drugs again,” and immediately decided that i would. 

i didn’t know anyone in california who would sell me good drugs for cheap, so i had someone i knew from new york mail them to me. this is where i ran into my first problem, because the halfway house manager checks everyone’s mail before they open it. so i started off with just selling acid tabs because lsd would be very easy to conceal from the guy, also acid does not show up on a drug test. so i had them sent over and every time i got close to running out i had him send over another. things were going well for a while. i was selling them to people inside, and outside the house. all of us that weren’t staff inside the house were tripping at least once a week. 

one day, 5 of us decided to go to santa monica pier and trip there. thinking back on it, this was probably one of the most fun days of my life. the 5 of us were deniz, a tall, rail thin turk with extremely long greasy girl hair, brad, a typical cali heroin and meth junkie who at one point in his life accidentally cooked his foot, tim, a goofy redneck from st. louis, will, the son of the owner of sabrett hot dogs, and i. all of us packed into deniz’ car and we were on our way, already starting to trip on the way there. i had one of the hardest laughs of my life on the ride there, i won’t bother to explain that here though, because i’ll never be able to, but brad was laughing so hard i thought he might suffocate, God i miss these times. i had eaten 2 tabs and so did deniz. brad ate 4. will and tim took 6 each, they were the most daring ones.

as soon as we had arrived at the pier, brad thought that he wanted to have the trip of a lifetime i guess, because he asked to take 2 more tabs, making it a total of 6, matching up with will and tim’s dosage. santa monica pier was an amazing place to trip, let me tell you. we all kind of split up, i don’t exactly remember how or why, but we did. i was with brad, and the other 3 were somewhere else. brad kept complaining about how he wanted to eat, even though i wasn’t hungry, i agreed to go to the johnny rocket’s with him to appease him.

on the walk there, i could see that he wasn’t doing so hot. the acid was really getting to him. he was making very intense faces and it seemed like he was switching emotions every few seconds, from happy, to terrified, to carefree, to worried. it was actually very scary to see, looking back on it now. at one point he laughed out loud in a child’s face, realized what he was doing, and sped-walked away, embarrassed. once we got into the johnny rockets, he asked me to order for him because he couldn’t bring himself to do it, i said ok and asked him what he wanted, but he couldn’t seem to figure it out. i ended up getting frustrated and walked out, leaving him in there by himself. as i walked outside, i saw deniz, tim, and will standing there. i told them about brad and we all stood there staring at him through the glass like a monkey at the zoo. he sat on top of a table and had been staring at the menu since before i walked out of the store. i eventually went in and grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him 

one of the guys had bought a pack of cigarettes, and he gave each of us one. the idiot however, did not buy a lighter. so we are walking down the pier, looking for someone who is smoking or someone who might have a lighter which is more difficult than you think because smoking isn’t as popular in california, as you’re not even allowed to do it outside on some streets. i eventually lay eyes on someone with a cigarette in his mouth, some biker couple, i ask him to lend us his lighter for a moment and he agrees. i remember him seeming annoyed but that could’ve just been the acid. we all light up, and i give the man his lighter back, thanking him. this is when i noticed that brad was no longer with us. not dead, just no where to be found. 

we start looking all over for him, calling him incessantly, no answer. after about an hour of this, he eventually picks up the phone. i say, “brad?” all i hear on the other end is maniacal laughter, like a raving madman. i keep trying to talk to him but he just keeps laughing as if i’m not 

we must have walked up and down the pier about 15 times before we gave up looking for him. we get in the car to go back to the halfway house, as soon as we’re all seated, i get a text from brad’s phone, these guys from georgia are telling us that brad gave them his phone and he won’t tell them the passcode. they tell us he’s acting crazy, i tell them that i know. they’re not from the state, so they don’t know how to describe where exactly where they are, and they can’t send us their location because they don’t know his passcode. they say that he won’t tell them the exact passcode but he says it’s his birthday, so they ask me if i know. i check his facebook account to see if i can find it, “september 23rd,” i tell them. a few seconds later i get a text back, “this nigga lying.”

so now we are left with a dilemma. we have to go back to the halfway house and explain to the house manager, and officer of the court, that we just lost an adult human being, and if any of us get found out we will all likely go to jail. so it was stressful to say the least. i luck out though, because will, son of the hot dog king, ends up getting in a fight with the guy for all of us. he screams and raves about how brad’s grown man, and it’s not our responsibility to hunt him down if he runs away. the manager eventually agrees and calms down.

about 2 weeks later, i get a facetime call from a random phone number, i answer and i see brad, in a motel room, twirling a meth pipe around his fingers, silently. i tell him that he should be careful, and that if he drops and breaks his meth pipe, he won’t be able to smoke meth. he tells me that he doesn’t fucking care because he has another one. i still haven't seen brad in person again since that night in santa monica.

book burnings - then and now

up until very recent history, if you wanted to get rid information that was available to the public, it wasn’t a very difficult a process. the government or whoever is looking to eradicate knowledge on a certain subject, would simply find as many copies of the books in question as they could, and burn them. the people who were law abiding or afraid of the consequences would simply give up the copies they owned to the powers that be. the rest, the more daring citizens, would hide their copy away, in hopes of one day passing their copy down to the next generation. for whatever was in the text, they felt that risking legal action or in some cases, death, was worth it.

now, obviously this was an imperfect method of destroying information. it would only take one copy to slip through the cracks, for which it could be copied again infinitely. and people are funny, you tell them not to read a certain book, and you could be certain that they will read said book, whether it is out of spite or curiosity; “what is it they don’t want me to know?” so yes, the method was not the best, but it was the only choice they had. it was a much simpler time.

these days, this task is far from simple, but it is certainly possible. with almost every single human on earth having internet access, “burning,” or “deleting” is no longer a thing. the powers that be had to become much more clever with their censorship tactics. if you’ve read ‘1984’ by orwell, you are already very familiar with said tactics, the tropes in that book predicted that of today’s world with uncanny accuracy.

since you can no longer “delete” anything, one thing the government can do is limit access to the information. the first and most important order of business is to not teach said information in schools. this will cut out a great deal of the population because most people do not do very much learning about history, or many other scholarly subjects for that matter, once they leave the schooling system. so that’s the easy part, what comes next is making sure that the info is not easily found online. for instance, the topic may be cut out from google searches, or edited out of or modified in wikipedia articles. this cuts out another large portion of the population, people who are not so familiar with the internet, or don’t suspect anything fishy occurring are very unlikely to dig further.

the last and most important thing, is to make sure you call anyone who points out, or talks about said information a “conspiracy theorist,” which is just a round about way for calling someone crazy. people are social creatures. they often do not want to stand out from the pack. only alpha males are typically capable of doing this. women, and low testosterone males (people who are incapable of defending themselves) are absolutely terrified of standing out. they put all the information that is given to them through a filter as a safety mechanism. they do not ask “is this true?” they ask “will others be okay with me thinking this is true?” this makes them extremely susceptible to a governmental manufactured consensus. if everywhere they look it says the same thing, the same story, they will simply adopt said position because their brain reads it as everyone in the tribe believing in it. once this is hardwired, it’s very difficult to snap out of. God forbid they are seen as a conspiracy nut or a racist or whatever trigger word the government is using to keep people in line at that moment in time.

people who fall victim to this often have to deal with the orwellian concept of “doublethink.” this occurs when someone believes two contradictory ideas at the same time, or simply must reject what they see in order to remain with the “proper” belief system. “the party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. it was their final, most essential command.”

people who stray from this, and believe something contrary to the popular consensus are committing “thoughtcrimes.” the german courts just sent a 95 year old woman to prison for the 3rd time for holocaust denial. here in the united states, we have free speech, so they can’t just throw someone in prison for words they said, they have to figure something else out, and this is where the “conspiracy theorist” or “racist” insults are hurled at you. they try to alienate because due to our lovely constitution that’s all they can do. the sad reality is that if they could change that aspect, they would.

the only way we could combat this is by standing strong in our beliefs, no straying no matter what. we need to show others where they are wrong, regardless of how they may view us. when people challenge us, never falter, even if you feel it is unsafe, because telling lies in order to feel accepted is a one way ticket to destroying your soul. we have to comb the internet for data that “the party” might not want us to have, and save hard copies, offline. you never know when big brother might just “burn” that website you like to read your favorite history books on.

“don't let it happen, it depends on you."

- orwell

hell is empty, all the devils are here

3 Timothy 3:1-9
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

there has never been a more important time to walk with the LORD. the modern world has officially reached sodom and gomorrah levels of degeneracy, and it seems that without God, there is nothing we can do about it.

not only is the modern man rampant with degeneracy and sin, but they show pride in it as well. they parade in the streets about it. whether we're talking about abortion, homosexuality, adultery, pride, sloth, or greed, it all comes from the same origin, which is satan.

Christ said "let he who is without sin, cast the first stone." i certainly do not claim to be perfect, i have sinned so much i could never remember it all. but people take advantage of this quote, either because they want an excuse to continue their evils or because they dont understand the meaning. people use this phrase as a way of saying, "you have sinned before, you are not perfect, therefore you have no right to point out what im doing wrong, and you have no right to try and stop me." people who understand Christ's message should very easily see the absurdity in this. Christ does not want us to condemn, or harm the sinner, but he wants us to show them how they are wrong, and to correct them. to stand by and allow the sinner to continue his evil without making an attempt to put an end to it is nearly just as bad and definitely more cowardly. after all, Christ did tell us that he did not come to bring peace, but a sword.

in the last decade, if not earlier, it has been made clear that there is an outright, worldwide attack on Christianity. you can see evidence of demons everywhere you look. “pride” flags hang higher than the flags of nations. “pride,” one of the seven deadly sins, has been a worldwide movement for the last decade. parades throughout all major cities, celebrating sodomy and adultery. naked homosexuals marching around flaunting their degeneracy children, women having double-digit sexual partners before marrying an unfortunate man, “men” spending years of their lives playing nintendo and posting about it on reddit, this is what we have come to embrace as a people. it seems like most of the world has fallen into complete hedonism, and all it took was iphones and facebook to kickstart it all. the boomer generation kicked off the hedonic lifestyles with their greed, but the generations following have covered just about every other deadly sin without missing a beat.

like Nietzsche said, God is dead, if only he knew what was to come, his 19th century mind im sure could never be able to comprehend the current landscape. God is absent in modern men. and what i mean by that and what Nietzsche meant by that is not that there is no God or that God has abandoned us, but we have abandoned God. subconsciously, because we have access to all of humanities information and data in the palm of our hands, we equate ourselves to Gods alike. modern man believes not only does he not need God, but he is a god in and of himself, and thus, they worship themselves. morality has become subjective as “now, there is no need for some centuries old book! we know right from wrong!” except you dont. right and wrong is not subjective. how could we all agree on what is moral and what is immoral if everyone makes up their morals themselves? without God, this becomes futile. without God, you have no reason to follow morality when it does not benefit you, so you wont.

what we are left with is women whoring themselves on the internet in countless ways, having unrestrained amounts of sex partners while they are still young and attractive, and if they get pregnant, hey, its okay, because they can go to a doctor so he can kill the baby - in the name of “women’s” rights of course. love is nowhere to be found.

what we are left with is men who create nothing, spend there days playing playstation, watching pornography, masturbating. lusting over demonic women on the internet, giving them their money, somehow not realizing that that women he’s giving money to barely sees him as human. the few men that are successful with women are out constantly, trying to swindle dumb and naive women into bed with them, like a fisherman casting line after line, waiting to catch whatever was willing to take the bait. love is nowhere to be found.

we are living lives devoid of God, thus we are living lives devoid of love.

no sleep

this may be something that most cant relate with, but i barely sleep. ive been dealing with this forever. i sleep like every other day, and i usually get my sleep while the sun is out.

june 3rd was my birthday. i just turned 26. maybe i am alone in this, but i never have been able to picture myself in my 40s or 50s; and definitely not after that. i always wonder if this is something irregular. i feel like since i was young i have just expected myself to die young, and my actions have shown this. i tend to live like i dont have much time left, and in doing so, it makes it more likely that i will not have much time left.

i dont want to say that i am depressed, but, there is definitely something at work in my soul, something that i do not understand. i so desperately want someone to tell me they understand. i have met people who feel something similar, i can tell by how they describe it, but it's never exact. no matter how well things are going for me, i cant get away from the awful feeling. in the best of times, i felt okay only due to distraction. im always left with myself at the end of the day, and no matter what evidence i have that proves that i am indeed "good," i dont think ill ever believe it.

they say that anxiety is living in the future, and depression is living in the past. well, i have absolutely no anxiety anymore. i used to be filled with it, for years i was. but as enough time has passed, enough horrific failures and terrible life events, i just dont care anymore. there is nothing i can go through that will be worse than something i haven't already lived. that just leaves me with depression though. the memories, regrets, bad decisions, its hard to forget. for some reason i allow these thoughts to ruin the good moments i do have.

in a way i blame society for a lot of what i feel. things are so backwards, and i know im not alone in this feeling. just look at the data on the amount of antidepressants that are prescribed. things are set up to be so against human nature. we think that because we have iphones, netflix and doordash that all of our problems are solved. really, we are just too distracted to pay attention to them most of the time. the world is filled with unhappiness, and instead of us fixing the root cause of all our issues, some dipshit doctor gives us pills to take the unhappiness away. and if you pay attention to the world even a little bit, its pretty self evident the pills arent working very well. God forbid we give up our facebooks and our instagrams. we all know that that would be way too much to ask.

a lot of women say to go to therapy, but therapy is a literal joke. capitalizing on the insane amounts of loneliness in the modern world, therapy is nothing more than a fake antidote. pay someone to sit and listen to your bullshit, thats the solution? i guess women think yapping about problems is a solution in and of itself.

it just feels like im waiting for something, but i dont know what it is. maybe one day ill figure it out. the closest ive come to feeling alright has been turning to God, i know this takes a lot of effort, and im trying. the LORD knows all, but He doesnt just give us the answers because we are uncomfortable. we have to give ourselves to Him without refrain. if i one day find all the answers, i will be here, sharing them with you.

nothing is beautiful anymore

i know you see it too, and if you don't, i envy you. ignorance is bliss, isn't it?

 
the further the human race gets from God, the uglier it all gets. whether it's architecture, art, writing, or even people in general, something beautiful is few and far between these days. don't get me wrong, i could find beauty in just about anything, and i mean anything, even a corpse, if you think about it for long enough. what i'm talking about is things that are objectively beautiful, things that make you stop what you're doing, and gaze with your heart, and not your eyes.
 
if you're an american who has ever spent any time in european cities, i'm sure you know exactly what i'm talking about. the buildings that were built more than two centuries ago are completely gorgeous, and on top of that, still standing all this time later. so not only were things built more appealing, but they were built better. i mean, if you walk around a city like florence, or paris, you are just consistently in awe at the architecture. the buildings themselves are art. when i was in venice, italy, there were multiple times that i actually broke down in tears just looking at the place. every direction you pointed your eyes there was something more beautiful than the last. you could barely comprehend how places like that were made by human hands. as you drive through a city like rome your mind just goes absolutely wild picturing all the effort and energy put into every single detail and every single alley. when you are near the coliseum you could literally hear the now dead crowds roaring and feel the energy of the area in your chest, you could hear the swords clanking together and flesh being beaten and cut. the beauty is simply endless, i can't even fathom it, i don't think anyone on earth could if they really thought about it. it's like thinking about infinity, the edge of the universe, a thousand light years, our minds just aren't built to comprehend things like that. 
 
this is certainly not the case in america. in america, profit is the focus of everything, and that means using the cheapest materials that will pass an inspection, and the quickest building techniques possible, because as we all know paying someone's salary is very expensive. this leaves little room to build something worth looking at, and little room for soul. it is blatantly visible even to the dullest pair of eyes, whether they understand it or not. here in the united states, everything is one size fits all, cold, made by a machine or through cheap labor using foreigners, absent of passion, and love. no buildings are unique anymore, they're all the same, boring and flavorless.
 
one of the saddest and lesser spoken about consequences of this is that unless you are born and raised in one of these modern built places, it is nearly impossible to become attached to it. now i did not grow up in paris, i don't have a french bone in my body, and i've only been there twice. but if hypothetically some massive, evil organization bought that whole city and bulldozed the whole place, i would be genuinely upset about it for the rest of my life. why? because it would be the destruction of one of humanities most amazing achievements. for the rest of my days i would be thinking to myself that i wish i spent some more time there before it was gone. these modern cities we have now in my own home country, i wouldn't feel a thing if it was all torn down tomorrow. the only thing that would be lost is money. who would care? it's all the same here anyway, it's all dollar stores and burger kings and a dunkin donuts on every corner. there's no spirit, there's no soul to be lost here. just mile after mile of mall after mall. nobody cares and you could see it. you could see just how much people don't care here. in the major u.s. cities there's trash all over the place, graffiti on everything, nobody takes care of themselves, people leave the house in their pajamas, smelling foul, and there's rampant vandalism and crime.
 
art has especially taken a serious beating since the beginning of the industrial revolution.  and i don't mean to beat the "modern art sucks" dead horse, but how come nothing painted in the last 200 years has been as impressive as almost any painting from before 1860? just take a look at the "art" tab on this blog. these are paintings that i and just about anyone with eyes considers beautiful. have you looked at modern art anytime recently? are you telling me that all of a sudden artists across the globe lost the ability? i have a theory for why this is, and that is that people no longer have the attention span to create things like caravaggio or bosch did. there will certainly never be another da vinci or michelangelo ever again. everyone is too fat, entertained, and happy to literally go insane creating something amazing. why would they? it's even worse now with artificial intelligence, pretty soon we might not even have actors or screenwriters. it's all circling the drain.
 
for anything that wasn't created by God to be considered beautiful, it takes an extreme degree of difficulty to create. things that are a dime a dozen cannot be beautiful, because then everything could be beautiful and that would render the word meaningless. beautiful things take pain and suffering, they take sacrifice. they take long periods of time, and the creator must have a passion for what he is doing, he feels compelled to do it, his conscience won't leave him alone unless he's working on it. he's not doing it because it's his job. reluctance does not exist in beauty. beauty comes from love.

loss

so you’ve lost something, someone. or maybe, you’ve lost everything. now what?

i get it, awful shit happens, but what are you going to do? claim victimhood? of course you’re a victim. everyone is a victim, life sucks, it sucks so bad. i've thought about putting a gun in my mouth a million fucking times, if not, more. to live is to suffer, that’s what every religion since the beginning of religion has been trying to tell us. they’ve been damn near screaming it at us. “YOU WILL SUFFER!” this may seem dismal, but that terrible fact is a blessing, because to grow you must suffer first. Christ does not promise us a life void of pain, but He does promise us the strength to endure. we don’t get the luxury of becoming strong and wise without first going through things that make us want to die and make us question existence itself.

you can’t be strong and have an easy life at the same time. very few people on this planet live an “easy” life. some people are luckier than others, that's about as far as it goes. no one gets a free ride. life beats everyone down at some point. you could argue that you have suffered more than others, and maybe you have. except, here's the thing about that; nobody cares.

what makes a man is not the suffering he endures, it's what he does with that suffering. far too many of us become docile, and subordinate when faced with our failures, we are afraid of going through it again.

we fear embarrassing ourselves again, so we never try again.
we fear a broken heart, so we never love again.
we fear failure, so we don't take risks.
we fear getting rejected, so we don't ask.

imagine who we could've been, had we not let fear get in the way.

thy will be done, not mine

'you are afraid only because you do not have enough faith!'

Christ taught me that faith is the antidote to fear. He repeats it many times throughout the new testament for a reason. you have fear because you expect things to go wrong, you don't expect things to work out in your favor. maybe they won't, but maybe what God has in store for you is better than what you could ever imagine for yourself.

in the book of Mark, chapter 14, Jesus seems deeply troubled to his disciples. He tells them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow, to the point of death." He then tells them to leave him so that he could go and pray by himself. Christ then journeys up to the top of a nearby mountain, and begins praying, 

"Father, you can do anything. Don't make me suffer by having me drink from this cup. But thy will be done, and not mine."

Christ knew what his destiny was, and that was to suffer miserably and face his inevitable death which was crucifixion. this prayer exemplifies his faith, and overall bravery, that we must do our absolute best to emulate. Christ had faith that even though he did not want this horrible fate, that God's will is always better than his own. He had to go down this path so that he could save the rest of us.

giving up our will and our lives to God may seem scary. as human beings we want what we want, and we want it when we want it, which is usually right now. this is completely understandable, and even though i have full understanding of this concept, i still have astronomical difficulty with giving my will to God. but this is something we all must practice if we want to have inner peace, and a clean soul. our will very often clouds our judgment, and makes way for the invitation of sin. giving up our will is the biblical equivalent of 'going with the flow.' 

who are we to know what's best for us? can any of us see into the future? we have enough to worry about, and God tells us to let Him worry about it. He is much more capable of handling the stress anyway. by having faith that His will is best for us, we remove the need for us to worry about what is going on. we may wish things happened differently, but as they say, pressure makes diamonds. how many times have you heard a truly strong individual say that they wished they had never gone through any of their hardships? it almost never happens.

next time you are entering a situation and you are full of doubt and fear, try replacing those feelings with faith that God has your back, and knows how to form you into the person you need to be. every plan i've ever had for myself pales in comparison to what the LORD had in store for me. you cannot put your identity in worldly things because if/when they leave, it will destroy you, and if they leave, they were not sent by God anyway, so good riddance.

feb 20, 2024

life can certainly be unpredictable, and God definitely works in mysterious ways.

my battle with addiction has yet again brought me to my knees, figuratively speaking. literally speaking, it has brought me to a jail cell. on january 16, 2024, i found myself at the 111th precinct in queens, withdrawing from benzos and heroin on the cold concrete floor. the police had taken my jacket because they couldn't cut the strings out of it. i had actually forced a really fat guy in the holding cell to sleep with our backs touching, the cold i was experiencing was truly unbearable. i kept thinking to myself, "how did i get here? just 2 months ago i was working, making well over 6 figures, running a construction company. how the fuck did i get here?" 

this disease is truly cunning, baffling, powerful, and insidious, like they say, but those words don't do it justice. anyone who struggles with the disease of addiction knows what i am speaking of. there are no words to describe how awful this disease is. it's like having your brain hijacked, or having your soul become possessed by satan himself. i don't know who was in control, because i certainly was not. it was if i was on autopilot, a shell being controlled by some horrible entity. when i began to sober up in that jail cell, i couldn't believe the decisions i had made prior to getting there. i hate to say this, but i almost would rather have cancer or any other terminal disease. at least i'd have control of myself, and people wouldn't hate me, abandon me or throw me in prison for being sick. God knows i suffer a lot, so it's not like i've been having a grand old time, out getting high, ruining every relationship and opportunity i've ever been blessed with.

immediately after my arraignment, i checked into a rehab in suffolk county, long island. i didn't even get out of the car between the courthouse and the rehab. i arrived there with one change of clothing and two pairs of underwear. all of my clothes were in the trunk of the car which the police impounded. i acquired some more clothes from some very kind patients i met at the rehab.

today as i write this i have 33 days clean and sober, and it's the most valuable thing in the world to me. if i put anything in front of my sobriety, i will lose everything, like i have, time and time again. i have gone to an AA or NA meeting every day since i left the arraignment. i will continue to go to these meetings for the rest of my life. just like a diabetic needs insulin to survive, i need these meetings to stay sober, and in turn, reclaim and maintain control of my life. the more i learn about the origins of AA, the more amazed i am by it, and without it, i would truly be hopeless. 

i now have a pretty awful court case pending against me. at this point in time, all i can do is stay clean, do the right thing, pray to God, and hope for the best. if i have to do some jail or prison time, then i will simply go. that's what God sees fit for me. thanks to my actions, i won't have anyone to miss while i'm in there anyway. 

i despise the cycle in which i have been living my life. if putting an end to it means i have to go hang out in a church basement for one hour a night, so be it. i will never truly beat this disease until the day i die, and the mortician says, "there were no drugs in his system."

if you're reading this, and you struggle with addiction, please give yourself a break and get help, for your own sake, if for no one else. 

God bless you all.