life can certainly be unpredictable, and God definitely works in mysterious ways.
my battle with addiction has yet again brought me to my knees, figuratively speaking. literally speaking, it has brought me to a jail cell. on january 16, 2024, i found myself at the 111th precinct in queens, withdrawing from benzos and heroin on the cold concrete floor. the police had taken my jacket because they couldn't cut the strings out of it. i had actually forced a really fat guy in the holding cell to sleep with our backs touching, the cold i was experiencing was truly unbearable. i kept thinking to myself, "how did i get here? just 2 months ago i was working, making well over 6 figures, running a construction company. how the fuck did i get here?"
this disease is truly cunning, baffling, powerful, and insidious, like they say, but those words don't do it justice. anyone who struggles with the disease of addiction knows what i am speaking of. there are no words to describe how awful this disease is. it's like having your brain hijacked, or having your soul become possessed by satan himself. i don't know who was in control, because i certainly was not. it was if i was on autopilot, a shell being controlled by some horrible entity. when i began to sober up in that jail cell, i couldn't believe the decisions i had made prior to getting there. i hate to say this, but i almost would rather have cancer or any other terminal disease. at least i'd have control of myself, and people wouldn't hate me, abandon me or throw me in prison for being sick. God knows i suffer a lot, so it's not like i've been having a grand old time, out getting high, ruining every relationship and opportunity i've ever been blessed with.
immediately after my arraignment, i checked into a rehab in suffolk county, long island. i didn't even get out of the car between the courthouse and the rehab. i arrived there with one change of clothing and two pairs of underwear. all of my clothes were in the trunk of the car which the police impounded. i acquired some more clothes from some very kind patients i met at the rehab.
today as i write this i have 33 days clean and sober, and it's the most valuable thing in the world to me. if i put anything in front of my sobriety, i will lose everything, like i have, time and time again. i have gone to an AA or NA meeting every day since i left the arraignment. i will continue to go to these meetings for the rest of my life. just like a diabetic needs insulin to survive, i need these meetings to stay sober, and in turn, reclaim and maintain control of my life. the more i learn about the origins of AA, the more amazed i am by it, and without it, i would truly be hopeless.
i now have a pretty awful court case pending against me. at this point in time, all i can do is stay clean, do the right thing, pray to God, and hope for the best. if i have to do some jail or prison time, then i will simply go. that's what God sees fit for me. thanks to my actions, i won't have anyone to miss while i'm in there anyway.
i despise the cycle in which i have been living my life. if putting an end to it means i have to go hang out in a church basement for one hour a night, so be it. i will never truly beat this disease until the day i die, and the mortician says, "there were no drugs in his system."
if you're reading this, and you struggle with addiction, please give yourself a break and get help, for your own sake, if for no one else.
God bless you all.